sometimes thing just dont work out right for me. i'm having real terrible mood swings now and then. i can be screaming and jumping around with my friends one moment and just sit and stare the next. ever since i gave up on love stuff, i'm getting weirder. somehow, i dont really do much sports now. dota's also getting boring but i still play it because i cant access to any other things at times. i need to talk to someone, but when i start talking, everything goes blank. it's been 6 months since i last visited pasar malam, which i used to go like at least twice a month last time.

today i recieved a comforting message from my sis.
i miss you. the dessert was awesome but i wish u were here with me. it's the first time i'd ever went on a trip without my family.
this message gave me some warmth, but accidently, damnit! i deleted the message. sheez. i miss my sister terribly, but i feel so hopeless coz i cant do anything about it.

i feel as if i'm interested in someone, but i know it's impossible for us to be together, 1st becoz she wont like me, 2nd becoz i wont go after her. besides, i'm still very much in love with the previous girl, although there's no chance of us talking again. i still do visit ur blog once in a while, just to know that u're fine, just to let myself konw that u're fine.

i'm friendless. i still feel kinda fake when i mix around. i'm still a loner, trusting only myself fully. i have friends, loads of them, but no sincere, true ones. well, i do have a few of course, but new friends, not yet coz we dont seem to trust each other enough. sigh

Going to tasik kenyir, kelantan tomorrow. yay!~ when my sister comes back, mum is going to organise a trip to tasik bera. hope i can bring kw, harri, and xy along. wakaka. anywayz, today i was scrolling through my mum's camera and found some awesome picutres taken by her. IN BRIGHT DAYLIGHT. i repeat, BRIGHT DAYLIGHT when those pictures were taken. u'll know why i stress so hard on it when u see the pictures.
as follows..

Right or Wrong?

The past few days passed in a jizzy. Very blur, lots of crying, and very meaningful.

I sold the a levels fiesta tickets from monday to friday except for wednesday. which i went to took my results. I got 8a's which is actually kinda lousy results compared to many people who had straights. But well, i'm happy with my results, although i'm not contended.

On friday morning, a small arguement happened between me and beta. after three months, i still dont know what am i to her. i took a risk, and played the most dangerous game ever. The stakes are, wither i get a girl, or i lost a friend. all those heated arguements were on purpose. everytime she tried not to reply and let the convo chill, i'll send another message to spark it again to force her continue talking. well, i lost the bet and i lost a friend. but at least i know, all these while, i had been a 'bloody liar' to her. oh well. Although you can look at it two ways, both positive and negative.

Interpretation 1
She had always been damn pissed with me and had been replying all my messages just because i always kacau her. and she had never actually believed how much i felt for her. and on friday, she replied me just because she didn want to lose the fight. and therefore, i'm a 'bloody liar' to her.

Interpretation 2
She really have a 'thing' for me but still she's waiting for the right moment. And all those messages ( on friday ) had really hurt her so much so that she got so emotional that she couldnt stand it and scolded me a bloody liar. coz all these time, all the effort paid off with an arguement with lots of false accusations.

I dont know which one is it, but what i know is on that day, i really thank jamie, paik hwa and of course, edward to be beside me and support me. I could'nt had worked the whole fiesta night without u guys. Shu xuan told me my eyes were red and puffy, and *someone else but i forgot who* told me my eyes had been watering the whole night. probably it's because of tiredness, or mayb it's because i felt very bad accusing everything, hurting someone i liked.

Mayb it seemed very stupid of my to make this choice to hurt her. But the thing is, Only when one is super emotional, the truth will be revealed.

Anyway, fiesta night was cool. I didn eat anything though, cant eat haih. I had a lil organising to do, and to make sure everyone had bought tickets.. But basically my mind is really in and out of it. I cant focus, especially when i had a huge load or emo'ness in my mind. Congrats to belle to be the 1st auctioneer to heat up the whole activity.

After fiesta night, i went home, took a bath and went to kaiwei's house. I stayed overnight there and i meant to talk with her the whole night. too bad i was damn tired that i fell asleep. the next day, we went to xueji album 1st meeting. Gosh. i kind of regretted going. The whole meeting was actually only 40 mintues, the 1st 10 and the final 30. the 3 hours and 20 minutes were basically disccusing rubbish unrelated queestions. pity pity.

After the meeting, i brought kw to yan's house for bbq. stupid yan still sleeping there even when she asked people to come earlier to help out. oh well. i visited mr garfield's room while kw and yan were on the computer messing around with scholarship forms. Later, i helped out starting the bbq fire, in the latest style : use gas stove to burn a few charcoals, later only start spread it LOLX. Then i had to go home ad. Since the organiser dunwan me to come. oh well. i had dinner with my parents, then suddenly ju called me. she asked me to go to yan's house. LOLX. host dunwan me come but guest want me come. haha. well, i still went in the end. Hmm.. it's around 1/4 people there i dunno. the rest three quarters i know them. hahah.. too bad i'm not sbs'ian ornot i call go there with pride, not like an uninvited customer. xD

Today i went to edu fair. wasted time except to find out about cooking classes and that australia SAE uni offers audio engineering haha. i wan go sleep ad. bye bye

Right or Wrong?

Down Memory lane

As i was scrolling through my list of songs, i found EQ 天堂. played it, and my mind flashed back.
It was in form four. Taman midah Yamaha school. we were recording there. haix. now it seems as it it's so long ago. so much have changed. How i wished there was a playback button in my life, if not to experience it again, at least let me watch every moment in my life again.
College life. It's nothing really that special. New friends, specified subjects. Yea, thats all about it. Probably abit more fun. But now, i'm totally screwed with everything. Today had been a bad day. Everything i did seemed wrong. I broke jason's pen, irritated edward, etc etc. My path is taking a steep downhill and i really need to pull up. Mocks are coming in about 1 1/2 months time. and i'm so not prepared. For the first time in my life, i'm actually caring about my exams, and preparing beforehand.
There's so many things i need to do, yet i'm not doing any of them. so many things i want to do, but not doing. so many things i want to share, but i cant spill them out. I need someone to come in. To step in and tell me what to do. I've chosen that someone, but somehow, it did not work out. Now, everything's all over the place again, and i'm completely messed and wasted.
Family conflicts are growing, tensions are beginning. Everything is falling uopn my and heaving me downards. It's getting heavier. Grandma is also having health problems. But i'm going to help her.
I need a friend to talk to. I need to spill. I need to cry. I neeed someone to lean on. I need someone to hug. I need a close friend. yes, i need u. u know who u r.

p.s. should i or should i not buy belle for a day?

Screwed

I'm so screwed. I'm messing up everything in my life. ONly one thing was good. i won ms caroline's book.. -.-
HELP ME PLEASE!!!

Conflicts

Have u ever think before you speak? Do you know what u say really hurt at times? YOu complain that ur kai gor ignore u, and i dunno whether u notice or not, u are doing the same thing to me. when u angry, or feel say, i'll try to make u feel good in my way. but when i feel bad or sth,, you say you'll call me or stuff, but u never did. instead, u ignore me. i thought at least you'd know that i'm angry, but yea, ur reply was 'k'. superb.

whatever. i feel like i'm just a puppet. being slapped when my master feels like it, thrown about, being used, and everything. yes, once in a while u will still show some love. this is why it's so conflicting.

but still, the problem i''m facing now is not you. it's just that u dont notice. haih