Thursday, February 28, 2008

Despair

Since last sunday, i was so looking forward to thurday, which is today. on monday and tuesday nights, i couldnt even sleep, and when i finally slept, i dreamt all about thurday. but well, law of replusion teaches u that when u desire something really much, u'll never get it. on wednesday night, i recieved this sms saying that the meeting was cancelled. i was stunned. everything that i hoped for, just crashed down on me, all hopes lost. happiness floated away, leaving despair behind. i craved so much to meet you, yet i'll not happen. sigh

Friday, February 22, 2008

Boredom

Leading a simple, single, boring life. nothing exciting lately. =(
Went to student's council general meeting today. The only exciting thing is that Paul Kong and Claire were very close =). THere's definately somthing going on there.. one pure science student and one pure arts student meeting up everyday and basically going everywhere together.. some coincidence... besides, they sat damn close together.. when they realised i was looking, they sat apart.. aiks...
rawr!~ u can never understand what i wanted u to understand dont u? isnt it obvious that i am making myself clear when i keep asking.. that only? only fetch you back and nothing else? that i want to go out with u to somewhere? sheez... too bad u'll never understand what i say, or rather, to me, u never want to or bothered to know what i'm trying to say. ish..

Saturday, February 16, 2008

i miss you

the real reason why i'm being so bitter and emotional, is because of a certain person. of course, the 'girl' i like is a partial sponser, but the main person is my sister. since she went to uk, i'm very very very very bored. there's no one to fight, no one to argue, no one to cry to, no one to talk with. basically, i have outlet for all my feelings. thats why i'm kind of 'rush' as some of you put it, to get a 'girlfriend', and why i dont really expect the 'girlfriend' to be more physically attached, but rather mentally attached, as 'you' put it as lovey dovey stuff. this experience of missing my sister is really painful, it's like part of you being ripped off. you still feel it's there, but when u reach out to it, it's gone.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Sitting in front of the computer, i'm feeling bitter. As jason is today. both of us share the same feeling, rejected and dejected. Someone rubbed my raw nerve, too bad for you. I'm still replying you, but somehow, it seems very weird for me. I ponder upon the question, 'what do people say if they meet every other day?' basically everything you did, and something interesting right? but what if your partner tells you that he isnt interested in what happens to you? doubt you can continue talking. but still, stuff like that do happen, when it builds up, someday it'll explode.

never a day i can stop imagining you
still, i can never picture you by my side coz i know you wont

being bitter aint fun. but still, you cant help being bitter, especially, when you know the person you love cant be with you, and yet, you cant just leave her alone. but when you find her, you cant talk about basically anything at all. terrible aint it?

holding the handphone, replying your messages
you know how i feel? or rather, do you care?

you dont have much chance to meet her. when there's a possible chance, you grab it tight. yet, she isnt always true to what she says. sometimes, things can happen last minute and plans gone. on the other hand, sometimes you're not free. tough isnt it? but still, you're capable of holding you end, jpwever unbalanced the other end is.

every moment you shared is etched deeply in the mind. detailed, specific, and beautiful. even the sad moments when you argued, fought, quarelled, is part of the big beautiful design. i might not pay attention to the small specific detail, but the general picture, will always be there. winds can blow and rain can storm, only the small parts will be lost at most. the deepest scars left is impossible to be washed away.

thinking, recalling, replaying.
nothing can be done

the radio is spoiled. some moments are repeated non stop. as tears gently creeps to the corner of his eyes, bringing him back to the moments that will never be replayed again. hurtfully.

i poured my heart and soul
which you happily pushed it aside
said 'thanks'
what i wished and hoped for
was something very different from thing
but yet
there's nothing i can do
the helplessness i feel
only i alone can understand
staring outside, staring at nothing in particuliar
i have nothing to do, but
hope

*hoping for what? i dont know

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Tomorrow is Valentines

四葉草
只有四片葉子
可是
葉子不能永遠陪伴它
不久以後
葉子會一片一片的掉落
四葉草
沒了葉子
也枯萎了
人家看到它
也不會管
被他人放棄了的它
只能從世上消失

孤單度過情人節
以酒代水
也不是很慘的事情
慘的是
知道自己沒人要
自己有許多的失敗
看着人家勇敢地面對
自己卻做不到
感覺更失敗

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Inspiration

i gave up chasing beta. wish edward and jason well with gamma and alpha. to all valentines, wish u guys all the best. i'm celebrating it with one bottle of alchohol. =)

i got my inspiration to write song. hopefully i can complete one with lyrics this time.

i love u. and it'll last for quite some time. coz, it's true. i havent forget either xy or jl. but still, i chose u. so mote it be.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

熬夜

it's been a few days i didn really sleep. my eyes feel so heavy. but still, i'm happy, for once, in a long time. she's finally speaking to me. for that i'm glad. for the first time since last year end,
我不再悲觀。
好希望這種感覺能繼續下去。
覺得我自己很坏,
爲了自己的利益,
我改變了他人的想法。
作夜,
我通宵煲粥,
多多少少也讓你更痛苦。
扯開了許多許多的疤痕
但我希望,
可以從中,
看到新的希望。
我並不會輕易地把你放開。
就算你不能接受我,
我還是會等。
等到你接受,
不然就等到我能放開的一天。

咖啡麻醉不了孤單
只會讓夜更長

我要的是一個能幫我解開心中的結,
體諒我,
愛我的人。
希望他能陪伴我,
走過一切一切。
你是我找的那個人嗎?

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Trip Back to Dad's hometown

Just before i went back, i realised that 'she' doesnt want me. so i actually wanted to just go back and relax, play along with everyone and stuff. yet, now, here i sit, in a more sombre mood. coz, i finally have t accept that i'm being initiated into the adulthood, and there's no turning back.

day one i went back, he feng started showing magic card tricks. wakaka.. learnt quite alot from him. going to learn more from a SECRET place. wakakakaka. then we went out somewhere which i cant remember where is it actually.. when i came back, instead of sitting with all the children and messing around, i atually sat with all the adults and talked there. although jie ying, si yun, si lei, hefeng and he leong were there, only me and he feng are actually able to communicate with the other adults and more or less, everyone is talking to us two. jie ying and the others basically sat there and chatted about their own stuff and no one bothered them. argh. then 五叔keep force me drink beer.. sheesh. hate it. say what i must learn la, and this and that. we talked until like 3-4 in the morning only we slept. messaged and miscalled hui yee. hope u will at least read my message.

day two, we woke up at about like 9 in the morning, and we went out. the hainan coffee shop has already finished selling the breads, so we ended up at a roti canai stall. wakakakakakaa.... i ate 1 plate or 'kambing curry', 2 empat segi's, and 1 plate of nasi lemak. and i was still hungry... sheesh. when we go back, i started learning the card tricks again, and at around 6.30, we got ready for dinner. we went for dinner at he feng's mother's mother place. i was the only one who ate quite alot and everyone was like staring at me.. that night, everyone at hefeng's grandma's place drank beer. i refused and refused non stop. finally, dunno which bloody ass hole go intro me as 'ah di's (my dad) son. cb. then all want to toast me. fuck. opened a can of beer and forced gao me to drink. when i drank like 1 quarter of it, they ask me why i not drinking. b4 i can say anything, they say 'OHH U DUN LIKE DRINK ISSIT?' then swapped my beer for a glass or martini, forced gao me to drink. diao!!!! finally when i finished the cup, pei woon(hefeng's cousin sis) came and talk to me. as i was not paying attention, one of the 'toasters' asked pei woon whether i finished my martini, then she said yes, and gave my cup to that fella. mahai! i ended up with another cup.. thank god i was not drunk, instead, i was much sober compared to hefeng who drank 2 cans of calsberg beer...that fella aint drunk, but start to be very very blur ad. went back home, played cards with my cousins. dang, when 五叔came back, non stop persuade us to play mahjong.. sheesh. people playing stuff u come kacau.. but still, i was every single set. wahahaha. oh wait. lost one to he leong. when we went to bed, i keep kacau si yun non stop, then we talked overnight. While talking, only i realised why all these are happening to me. as we talked, i realised that lots of my opinion and stuff differs from other cousins, like jie ying, or he leong. instead, it's already more similiar to the adults.. back then, when i talked, no one really paid attention to what i'm saying, but now, they are like talking directly to me, as one accepted by them. the talks, drinking, and mahjong and stuff. i also realised that some of my childish 'fun' games are lost. this is the first chinese new year that i didn really drink alot of water, but i didn get sick. coz i ate almost none of those rubbish foods. i didn eat even 1 mandarin, biscuit, egg rolls or anything at all. the only thing i ate besides during main meals is 1 piece of 酸梅. the relationship talk with si yun also showed me the reason why hui yee and i cant be together. the main reason is due the the level of maturity. she's one of those who look upon relationship 'seriously' yet she doesnt really know whats the seriousness shes talking about. but still, she'd opened some new points of views of this thing, stuff that i never gave thought about. sometimes she can talk stuff beyond her level. haih. thats why u cant accept me as i am, coz of the point of view thing, besides the fact that u dont really like me. this caused u to not trust me enough, and results in constant rejection. well, just my luck isnt it?

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

...

i read this today

明明很不适合的两个人如果真的不小心爱上了,
我不懂会发生什么事
还是趁早弹开
我很少在XX(blog name)分享自己的感情事
毕竟部落格还是公开的

我觉得我对这种事很敏感
而且
自己也觉得没有那个必要有男友
朋友一个一个拍拖
一个一个受伤害
都懂会是很辛苦的
那为什么还要为难自己?
当然 有男朋友你可以拿来炫耀拿来晒
可是也一样会让人烦担心
他有没有偷吃 有没有良心 专不专一
吃得好吗 生活得好吗 到底在做什么啊?
我还是选择不碰

i've been after this girl for quite some time and this is the result i get, after her telling me that she liked me. u dunwan get hurt so it's all right for u to hurt me the way u did? ( this blog entry is jsut an example ) why cant u just tell me straight? instead of leaving it hanging always, AND writing stuff like that behind my back. i'm glad that u reject me now, if this is the real u. since you are think i'm not ur guy, the same way back, u are not the girl i imagined. i fucking hate backstabbers. 我平身最討厭的人,就是這種沒有勇氣面對自己的事情,而選擇逃避的人。

but still, cant believe i'm still loving you so much. why are u doing this to me? making me and letting me love u then tear me apart? do u know that thing u did to me had happened like not long ago? u had just torn the fresh wounds deeper, and deeper. u care not of my feelings, as if i'm dung to u. still, hy, i love you. i'll be waiting for u reply.

Yo!~

it was quite some time since i had a chance to update this blog. nothing much happened lately, and things that are happening aint as interesting. anyway, i just had a five minute break from the RITUALS for the last day of old year.. tonight have to stay up late for more RITUALS.
anyway,
WHOEVER USING MY BLUESERVER ACCOUNT, FUCK YOU! STOP USING IT MAN. I WANT TO USE it! all my blueserver friends, if u ever see Whispers online please help me check who is using it. if it's me i'll pm you 'originator'. ornot, please help me find out who is the fucker who hacked into my account. anyway, can anyone tell me how to reset password for bs?