Messed up

What happens when you find urself in a situation, both really happy and really pissed at the same time? When ur mood Swings from TIP TOP to TOTALLY SHIT within like 10 seconds? it's like u have a Pendulum as ur 'mood decider'. Swing swing swing. Thats a quick summary of what i'm feeling this instant. This. VERY instant.
I quite hate what i'm feeling right now. Past few months, ( or was it weeks? ) was once that i LIKED someone, for real, and to spend like another whole month trying to forget. It hurt me pretty much in the process, and yeah, there's still a picture of her at a place where i see everyday. But whatever la.
Then there's this girl that came into my life. She appeared to be nice, to be a nice friend. Well, i wouldnt say that i like her/love her, but i just wanna be closer than what we are at the moment. Although i have this feeling that eventually things wouldn't work out fine. It was a strange feeling yeah. Like we probably are just going to talk for a while, then slowly, Things are going to Fall Apart. ( yeah, so very Chinua Achebe =.= ). Well, things Did fall apart for a little while, then things came back as normal, then it fell apart again, then it came back =.=. that pretty much contributed to the fact that i'm having such stupid mood swings. Today i chatted with her, it started alright, and i was pretty happy and so and so. Then came a certain line in the chat that made me swing 180'. To totally emo. Then after a while, I fell alright again, then WTF. Another line. And i gave up. I sort of 'eeh eeh aah aah' throughout the rest of the convo.
Why? Yeah i do like her, but it's not the bf/gf kind of love thingy, but more of a 'hey i find u pretty interesting' kind. But this 'relationship' we are having is dissapointing me day by day. why? no idea.
Other reasons which contributed my current status,
1. Some PISSING OFF during evening. Certain people will know why. And THAT, was IRRITATING. if ever i find out how to Lock a post, i WILL SPAM A HECK LOT ON THAT TOPIC and let people who i AGREE to read them ny.
2. The SMOKE due to the buring of josssticks my grandma is using to help my mum pray for her birthday ( according to chinese calendar ). The smoke just creeps up my nose and gimme a double dose of FLU. flu 1. sick. flu 2, sinus prob. I used like what, 5 tissues a minute? until my nose went red and i decided, SCREW IT.
3. Some reminder of some awfully painful past events. =.=
4. Missing someone really important in my life.
5. Tired-ness
6. Physics and Mr.Lim
7. Facing a certain shitty Math teacher tomorrow.
8. Every other reason in the world =.=

The only funny thing today
( from seng yik's blog )
it goes like,
Why does abdullah only functions properly at night?
Coz he's PM not AM.

haha.


WHATEVER LAH! i'm PISSSED, TOTALLY MESSY and tired.
ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.......

Random-ness

oh and i just remembered. the event of the day.

Fu Syan PEE-ED on DEXTER"S wallet =.=
omigosh. dexter got a nice wallet now =)

Emptiness

It's been quite boring for a while.. i tried to quit gaming, but it lasted for only 3 days. tried to quit dota, but it lasted only five =.= thanks to friends who keep ask me to play lol. but, i'm determined to reduce my time on games, and to do my homework. Proud to say, i finished my Physics homework!! screw maths. i did some, but not all. heheheh. anywayz, i will update when i come across another emotional rush Or there's something going on.

weee...~

Wondering..

I'm in the dark. Pitch Black. Extending my hands, i tried to find a wall to feel my way around. I took a few steps forward, hoping to find my wall. Or a tree, or anything that i can lean/depend on. Yet, there's none.

Where am i?

Just at that moment, a lightning stroke, and thunder roared, while rain hailed through the night sky. In that flash of a moment, i thought i saw myself in a room, built from planks and covered with cob webs. I wasn't interested. I saw what i needed. The window. Which meant that there's a wall beside it. I headed towards that direction, quickening my pace. Squish. Something gooey exploded beneath me. I didn want to bother, but i slipped, and fell. I felt as if i fell further than what is needed to fall to the floor. I thus deduced that i fell right Through the floor and somewhere underneath.

Where am i?

Standing up, i finally admitted that i am lost. I tried to hear the sound of rain, or the clap of thunder. Yet, what i hear is. Nothing. There's nothing i can do. I sat down, and begin to wonder what i ahve done in this life, to recall the happiness which i've ever shared with anyone. but no. I dont recall anything. Everything that i remember is depressing, is sad. I only remember the times i lost a certain event, i fell hard on my face, getting slapped, etc. etc. yes, it's as if a Dementor is around me, sucking what little happiness that is left within me.

To lose love is to lose your way, to lose yourself.

Sitting there, i felt a presence, my hope. I felt YOUR presence. Screaming, hope that you can hear me. Heyyyyyy!!!! My throat went hoarse. Echoes of my screams ringed in my ears. Again. Again. Again.. and again....

I lost the light of my life, and while i live in the darkness, i hope you'll be well. and happy.

Random

my mood swings are terrible lately. yesterday when i went out with some friends, i think i switched moods 4-5 times omg. and the worst part is that i go from extreme's to extremes. sheez. i've been visiting some blogs just now.. reading about people and friends. how they gave up friendship for love, and regretting it, or about how lovey dovey that particular couple is now, etc etc. and thus it occurred to me, i'm alone. A.L.O.N.E. sheesh. why? few days back, i wanted to go out and watch a movie, and watching movies alone is kinda boring. so yeah, i picked up my phone, scrolled through my contacts. heck. although i have more than 200 contacts there, i seriously have no one to call. prolly some not that close, mayb some wont come out. some i dont want to go out with them. some live too far. some mayb not free, and so, and so. i ended up scrolling through my contact list three times, and to come to no result.

i guess i'm quite disliked after all. to be honest, who will actually come out with me even if i called? am i important enough to let someone leave whatever he/she is doing at that moment, and just to plainly entertain me? guess not. oh wait, not guessing, is SURE not. =.=

i guess even this blog is hardly visited anymore lol. and for those who do, i sincerely thank you for doing so. although i hate tags, but i did WC's tag. for the sake of friends. to think that i actually came up in his mind as he chose to tag people.

i want to know myself. but at the same time, i want people to know me, to believe in me, to be friends, not aquaintances ( not sure of the spelling ).

never be satisfied. always ask for more. for the right things, at the very least.
when one reaches his goal, he fails.

and thus, i'm alone.
still.

Bloody tag

This is by far the longest tag ever in the history of blogging ! Fyi, it’s a 100 questions tag ( like i care ). And it’s also the 1st ( bullshit ) tag I am doing since I step foot in blogging. Here goes nothing ( crap more like ) !
A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs.
B) Tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse.
These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by.
C) Continue this game by sending it to other people.
I’ve tagged:
Screw this tag. No one is tagged.

01. What have you been doing recently?
Everything except to actually bother about tags =.=
02. Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
When it malfunctions. DUHHH
03. What happened at 10.00am today?
sat at the living room, staring at my ceiling
04. When did you last cry?
Hmm... April i think. Jamie, dont tell anyone about the reason lol
05. Believe in fate/destiny?
Yeah i guess so
06. What do you want in your life right now?
I want tags to dissappear from this world
07. Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood?
i normally romantically walk in the rain.
8. What’s your favourite thing to have on your bed?
Myself.
9. What bottom are you wearing now?
Does it even matter ==
10. What’s the nicest text in your inbox say?
You look like an idiot
11. Do you tend to make a relationship complicated?
Hmmm.. ask whoevers' going to date me? coz i dont know?
12. Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
=.= NO
13. What was the last movie you caught?
Connected. About 30 mins ago
14. What are you proud of?
My Piano
15. What does the oldest message in your inbox says?
e mail = Welcome to hotmail
Hp : Jason : Where's class? 05/08/2008
16. What was the last song you sang out loud?
Cant remember
17. Do you have any nicknames?
H square. Babi. Harry. there's more i think =.=
18. What does your last received text message say?
Yeah u know den good xD should just type the url la aiyo
19. What time did you go to bed last night?
2 o clock
20. Are you currently happy?
Obviously i'm pissed with this tag. DAmn u weng chung =.=
21. Who gives you best advice?
my heart =)
22. Do you eat whipped cream straight from the can?
never try b4.
23. Who did you talk on phone last night?
Kai wei i think
24. Is anything bugging you right now?
this tag
25. What/who was the last thing/person to make you laugh?
tze pei i think. since we just went out =.= might be janz or phua though
26. Do you wear toe socks?
i'm not a socks world supporter
27. Who was the last person you missed a call from?
mum. to wake me up =.=
28. Have you ever had your heartbroken?
read my blog lol
29. What annoys you most in a person?
people who i talk to and just dont bother to reply
30. Do you have a crush on anyone?
now? prolly?
31. Have you ever done cocaine?
i thought there's tons of them in coffee, tea and milo?
32. What is the colour of your room?
Barley white
33. Would you kill someone you hate for a billion dollar?
when i'm sentenced to die to?
34. Do you believe in the saying of : talk is cheap?
Yea
35. Who was the last person to lie in your bed?
my sister. be4 she went back to uk.. sigh
36. Who was the last person to hug you?
dunno. it's been ages
37. Did anyone see the last person you kissed?
err. yeah. she has her life too isnt it?
38. Do you have a life?
how do u think i'm answering this lame shit then? omg. 62 questions to go
39. Have you ever think someone died, when they really didnt die?
no
40. What is the reason behind your profile song?
dont have any
41. Who was the last person you saw in your dream?
errr... my cousins i guess
42. Last time you smiled?
lame question
43. Have you changed this year?
yeah
44. What are you listening right now?
The blowing of my air cond
45. Are you talking to someone when you doing this?
Hui yee lol
46. Do you walk with your eyes open or closed?
depends
47. Is there a quote you live by?
no
48. Do you want someone you cannot have?
yes. quite badly in fact lol
49. Have you ever played an instrument?
yeah.
50. What was the worst idea you’ve had in this week?
to actually bother this piece of crap. 50 more to go -,-
51. What are you doing last night at 11pm?
chatting with giok aik
52. Are you happy with your love life right now?
no
53. What song best describe your love life?
Dunno.
54. Does the person know that you like him/her?
dunno whether she knows
55. Who always make you laugh?
myself
56. Do you speak other language other than English?
Mandarin, Bm, HOkkien, Canton,
57. Favourite website(s)?
none
58. What’s your middle name?
He. LOL
59. What are you doing tomorrow?
wasting my time
60. What do you think you are like?
a waste of space, a pollution to pictures =)
61. Who will you choose to die with?
what sort os question is this
62. Where have you been today?
MV
63. What game do you play often?
Dota. Vampirsm Fire.
64. Who are you missing right now?
Not telling the world
65. If you have to choose between friend and love, who will you choose?
depends on who
66. What are you doing right now?
isnt it obvious?
67. Which primary school are you from?
SJK C Tmn Connaught
68. Name 3 colours that you like?
Black white Grey
69. What emotion you like to show?
Ignore
70. What is your life to you?
Read my blog for the answer. It's abit long
71. If you have something troubling you, what will you do?
Nothing. Stare. Emo.
72. Who did you last chat in msn today?
Chui Ling
73. Who do you admire most?
Pornstars. For their bravery LOL. Just jk
74. Which month are you born in?
June
75. How are you feeling right now?
Pissed. with this good for nothing crap
76. What is the time now?
6.18 pm
77. What kind of person do u think the one who tagged you is?
NOthing better to do since they actually answer this tag too. Sorry WC =)
78.What colour did you use to dye hair?
...
79. Why are you doing this test?
Coz WC will bug me if i dont =.=
80. What do you do when you’re moody?
Blog
81. At which age you wish to get married?
28-30 i guess?
82. Who is more important to you?
a comparision between who and who?
83. If today is the last day of your life, what will you do?
Kill myself. Die earlier
84. Who is the person you trust the most?
Hmm. Kai Wei
85. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after a rain?
I dont care
86. If you have a dream come true, what would it be?
To know who i am
87. What is your goal for this year?
Football Goal
88. Do you believe in eternity love?
If i dont i can never marry anyone
89. What feeling do you love most?
To be loved. To be cared
90. Do you really think its Global Warming now?
when was this created? 1908?
91.What feeling do you hate the most?
To be be chucked aside by someone i care
92. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?
most of them
93. Do you believe in God?
No.
94. Who cares for you most?
My mum. Like duhh
95. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Health
96. What will you bring when you fight?
i'd prefer not to be in one
97. What have you done regretted doing in your whole life?
Nt yet
98. What would you feel if no one no longer cares for you?
Feel like what i'm feeling now
99. What if your boyfriend/girlfriend two-timed you?
meaning?
100. HOW DO U FEEL NOW?
i wanna screw this tag all over.

Back from Kahang.

Boo.. broke my record. This time my top speed was 140 km/h on north south highway. OMg... my hand was freaking sweating when i drove that fast.. and believe me, it's really cold sweat. There's this stupid asshole mercedes who thinks he's the Toufu Shop Of Malaysia and folo me so damn close, and this Big Bus on my left. i was on fast lane. THat asshole of a mercedes keep flash me. Diu. I already steeping on the gas as hard as possible u flash fuck ar? Drove up to 140 to cut that cut, to find that there's another van in front, and have to cut that van too. ZZZZZZ. SIGH BIG BIG. but at least i can handle 110 - 120 km/h quite nicely already.. muahahahhaha

ahhhh.. after YEARS, i'm finally close with people besides the usual five of us, jeeyi, hefeng, he long, my sis and i.. Congrats to si yun and si lei for joining the group LOL. si yun is so much fun.. BULLIABLE!!! hahaha.. soo sooo sooooo my type lol. cheh.. self proclaimed pretty eh!! ( actually also quite good looking de ) haha.. hope to see u guys again during chinese new year!!


after the long drive home, i sit here, in front of my computer, feeling down. why? hardly any reasons at all. prolly i missed my cousins already? hardly. I think is because i've lost that sole dependant yet again. I'm now alone, with no one beside me. There's hardly anyone Physical which i can confide into, talk to, anymore. My sis, Kai Wei, gone. When i went back to hometown, Si yun proved to be a worthy one to talk to, but yet again, it's gone. It passed. I am dependant. I need someone. Someone to talk to, someone to spill, someone to spill back. I need company, i need someone who wants my company, someone who will company me. Ever since my breakup, i doubt i really need a girlfriend after all. But, what i want more is someone to spill my love to, and someone who can do the same in return. That someone doesnt have to be my girlfriend, but more of a friend who will listen, who will talk with me, to cry and laugh together. Yes, i need a sister. ARGH!! When my sis was back, she spent most of her time with others. But, it's when she's around, i feel that i'm once again full of life, not a living corpse thats moving around aimlessly. Her being AROUND itself had provided me with the thing i require most, which i want most. Accompaniment. Which is why, the person i want doesnt have to be my girlfriend, but yet again, who else but a girlfriend will be there for you most of the time? Sigh. When i went back to kahang, it felt right. Relatives around, but one, that just one, had it all for me. The girl, which i can talk to, poke fun, bully, to be bullied, to hold her hand when i feel lost at moments of time, to lean on when i'm not in my best, Thank You, my cousin, to be there for me, for that one day. Sincerely. You have given me something which i've missed sincerely. For many many months. If only u are in Kuala Lumpur... how i wish ~